Like To Hear It? Here It Go!

I know I have yet to expound on my claim, but I have mentioned, that we are a very musical family. So, it is only natural that The Boy wrote a song. What is unlikely, however, is the topic he chose. Asparagus. We have been eating quite a bit of it lately, which is typical for this region at this time of year. Apparently, The Boy has noticed. And, as we all readied ourselves for school and work, he jumped on our bed and began to dance and sing ...

"A-spar-a-gus!

I don't like it but my parents like it!

But, I like it 'cause it makes their potty smell funny!"

I was thinking about laying this down in the studio. I think it will chart. Then, maybe, we can retire and live off of the royalties.

The Student Has Become The Teacher

Yesterday, a neighbor of mine had the misfortune of finding that his minivan had quite literally been bisected by a fallen tree. It was certainly the kind of spectacle that leaves you, mouth agape, staring in awe and hardly accepting what you are seeing as reality. But, as I walked by, another thought occurred to me. How much would a five-year-old boy like to see a car that had been smashed in two?

I threw open my front door and excitedly told my family to come and have a look. They leisurely strolled down the street as I, several steps ahead of them, called for them to hurry. Once we reached the scene, The Wife snapped a few pictures and The Boy had the same look on his face that I had experienced a few moments earlier. I asked, "What do you think, bud?" He replied, "This is awful!" accompanied by a genuine look of concern.

I was completely ashamed of myself. Here I was, after nearly thirty years on this earth, viewing the tragedy of one family, as a form of entertainment for mine. And, The Boy, with just over five years on this earth, demonstrated the appropriate reaction. Compassion.

And, The Winner Is ...

I am extremely competitive. The Wife may be even more so, if that is possible. So, it comes as no surprise that The Boy has inherited this trait. However, he has managed to take it to a new level. He cannot lose. He will tax that little brain of his until he can rationalize that he did, in-fact, triumph.

Example - the three of us were playing Life. When we had finished, we counted our earnings. The Wife announced her tally. $1,700. The Boy went next. $2,700. Lastly, me. $6,200.

"Daddy and me won! Mommy lost!"

Monkey See, Monkey Do

Last week, The Boy said to me as he ran toward the bathroom, "I have to poop badder than a monkey!"

I could not stop laughing. I found it to be absolutely nonsensical and, therefore, absolutely hilarious. And, as anyone with children knows, that type of response will encourage The Boy to continuously employ his new catchphrase.

Of course, The Wife and I have joined in the fun.

"I need to do the dishes badder than a monkey."
"I want to play checkers badder than a monkey."

Ad infinitum.

Overcompensation

Yesterday, The Wife and I had a lovely lunch. As we walked back to our car, we were startled by the blast of a train whistle. It sounded alarmingly nearby, however, we were in the middle of town and there are no tracks for miles. It did not take long to identify the source. Behold, a Ford F-350, the biggest Ford pick-up truck available, with the highest lift kit one could purchase and the largest wheel/tire combination one could possibly fit under the well. And, you guessed it, the horn had been replaced with a train whistle. We looked on, with furrowed brow, as this behemoth found a parking space and out hops a very short man, with his designer sunglasses, hair slicked back and collar popped.

Would anyone like to venture a guess as to how small his penis is?

You Know How I Know You're Gay?

My boss is metrosexual. He cares way too much about what he wears, how his body looks and what others think about him. So much so, that his wife jokes (I think) that before they decided to have children she had to ask, "Are you sure you're not gay?" The funniest part in all of this is that he is completely oblivious. He really does not see where we are getting these ridiculous ideas! And, to top it off, when attempting to tease his employees, he constantly makes accusations about our sexual orientation.

The following conversation actually happened in my office not too long ago ...

Boss: What are you listening to?
Co-worker: Whitney Houston.
Boss: Oh. My. God.
Co-worker: What?
Boss: You're making me question your sexuality.
Co-worker: Oh! You're one to talk!
Boss: What do you mean?!

Quite literally two minutes later ...

Boss: Did anyone see the Valerie Bertinelli interview on Oprah?

At this point the entire office erupted in laughter. And, he really could not understand what we found so funny. You, sir, are making us question your sexuality.

Career Opportunities - Revisited

I have posted previously about The Boy and his professional goals. Well, that has apparently changed. Last week we used our Best Buy Reward Zone Certificates to purchase Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games. The Boy has now stated that his new purpose is to become an Olympic High Jumper. He also decided that he would like to live at Disneyland. I suppose a gold medalist would have a better chance of convincing Mickey to share his digs. However, I was a bit puzzled by The Boy's next question.

"Dad, are there windows at Disneyland?"
"Yes. Why do you ask?"
"When I'm living there, I'll need to look outside to see if it's foggy or raining."

He is really thinking this through!

As an aside, if you shop at Best Buy frequently and you are not part of the Reward Zone program, you really should consider it. Unless, of course, you hate free money. Also, if you have a school-aged child, you should definitely check out Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games. The Boy is learning so much about the different events and all the various countries that compete. Plus, it is actually quite physically demanding, even for a Wii game. Great for the muscles, timing and, most importantly, sapping every last bit of energy just before bed time.