Like To Hear It? Here It Go!

I know I have yet to expound on my claim, but I have mentioned, that we are a very musical family. So, it is only natural that The Boy wrote a song. What is unlikely, however, is the topic he chose. Asparagus. We have been eating quite a bit of it lately, which is typical for this region at this time of year. Apparently, The Boy has noticed. And, as we all readied ourselves for school and work, he jumped on our bed and began to dance and sing ...

"A-spar-a-gus!

I don't like it but my parents like it!

But, I like it 'cause it makes their potty smell funny!"

I was thinking about laying this down in the studio. I think it will chart. Then, maybe, we can retire and live off of the royalties.

The Student Has Become The Teacher

Yesterday, a neighbor of mine had the misfortune of finding that his minivan had quite literally been bisected by a fallen tree. It was certainly the kind of spectacle that leaves you, mouth agape, staring in awe and hardly accepting what you are seeing as reality. But, as I walked by, another thought occurred to me. How much would a five-year-old boy like to see a car that had been smashed in two?

I threw open my front door and excitedly told my family to come and have a look. They leisurely strolled down the street as I, several steps ahead of them, called for them to hurry. Once we reached the scene, The Wife snapped a few pictures and The Boy had the same look on his face that I had experienced a few moments earlier. I asked, "What do you think, bud?" He replied, "This is awful!" accompanied by a genuine look of concern.

I was completely ashamed of myself. Here I was, after nearly thirty years on this earth, viewing the tragedy of one family, as a form of entertainment for mine. And, The Boy, with just over five years on this earth, demonstrated the appropriate reaction. Compassion.

And, The Winner Is ...

I am extremely competitive. The Wife may be even more so, if that is possible. So, it comes as no surprise that The Boy has inherited this trait. However, he has managed to take it to a new level. He cannot lose. He will tax that little brain of his until he can rationalize that he did, in-fact, triumph.

Example - the three of us were playing Life. When we had finished, we counted our earnings. The Wife announced her tally. $1,700. The Boy went next. $2,700. Lastly, me. $6,200.

"Daddy and me won! Mommy lost!"

Monkey See, Monkey Do

Last week, The Boy said to me as he ran toward the bathroom, "I have to poop badder than a monkey!"

I could not stop laughing. I found it to be absolutely nonsensical and, therefore, absolutely hilarious. And, as anyone with children knows, that type of response will encourage The Boy to continuously employ his new catchphrase.

Of course, The Wife and I have joined in the fun.

"I need to do the dishes badder than a monkey."
"I want to play checkers badder than a monkey."

Ad infinitum.

Overcompensation

Yesterday, The Wife and I had a lovely lunch. As we walked back to our car, we were startled by the blast of a train whistle. It sounded alarmingly nearby, however, we were in the middle of town and there are no tracks for miles. It did not take long to identify the source. Behold, a Ford F-350, the biggest Ford pick-up truck available, with the highest lift kit one could purchase and the largest wheel/tire combination one could possibly fit under the well. And, you guessed it, the horn had been replaced with a train whistle. We looked on, with furrowed brow, as this behemoth found a parking space and out hops a very short man, with his designer sunglasses, hair slicked back and collar popped.

Would anyone like to venture a guess as to how small his penis is?

You Know How I Know You're Gay?

My boss is metrosexual. He cares way too much about what he wears, how his body looks and what others think about him. So much so, that his wife jokes (I think) that before they decided to have children she had to ask, "Are you sure you're not gay?" The funniest part in all of this is that he is completely oblivious. He really does not see where we are getting these ridiculous ideas! And, to top it off, when attempting to tease his employees, he constantly makes accusations about our sexual orientation.

The following conversation actually happened in my office not too long ago ...

Boss: What are you listening to?
Co-worker: Whitney Houston.
Boss: Oh. My. God.
Co-worker: What?
Boss: You're making me question your sexuality.
Co-worker: Oh! You're one to talk!
Boss: What do you mean?!

Quite literally two minutes later ...

Boss: Did anyone see the Valerie Bertinelli interview on Oprah?

At this point the entire office erupted in laughter. And, he really could not understand what we found so funny. You, sir, are making us question your sexuality.

Career Opportunities - Revisited

I have posted previously about The Boy and his professional goals. Well, that has apparently changed. Last week we used our Best Buy Reward Zone Certificates to purchase Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games. The Boy has now stated that his new purpose is to become an Olympic High Jumper. He also decided that he would like to live at Disneyland. I suppose a gold medalist would have a better chance of convincing Mickey to share his digs. However, I was a bit puzzled by The Boy's next question.

"Dad, are there windows at Disneyland?"
"Yes. Why do you ask?"
"When I'm living there, I'll need to look outside to see if it's foggy or raining."

He is really thinking this through!

As an aside, if you shop at Best Buy frequently and you are not part of the Reward Zone program, you really should consider it. Unless, of course, you hate free money. Also, if you have a school-aged child, you should definitely check out Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games. The Boy is learning so much about the different events and all the various countries that compete. Plus, it is actually quite physically demanding, even for a Wii game. Great for the muscles, timing and, most importantly, sapping every last bit of energy just before bed time.

Valentine's Day

I want to let all who may read this blog know that The Wife is a fantastic woman. I am exceedingly fortunate to share this life with her. You might read that and think, "What a sweet Valentine!" But, the fact of the matter is, we do not celebrate this holiday. And, I use the word holiday loosely.

In the earliest incarnation, St. Valentine's Day commemorated eleven Christian martyrs, all of whom were named Valentine, and had died for their faith. I think we have swayed a bit from that, yes?

What we presently have is a capitalist mechanism to pry open our wallets. It is quite sad really. Should we not daily go out of our way to show our spouse that we love them? I cannot imagine only having that feeling communicated to me once per year. Or vice versa. If you are reading this, I sincerely hope that is not your fate. But, make no mistake about it, there are people out there who are left in the dark 364 times annually. I can point to one of my co-workers as a prime example.

I love The Wife very much. For a great many reasons. One of which is our common outlook this topic.

Favorite Artists

You may have noticed that I mentioned music as a large component of my daily life. And, while I will inevitably tell my personal story, today I thought I would simply list the artists who I most enjoy.

AC/DC
Aerosmith
Alice in Chains
The Beatles
Big Brother and the Holding Company
The Black Crowes
Black Sabbath
Bob Dylan
Bob Marley
Cream
Dave Matthews Band
The Doors
Grateful Dead
Heart
Incubus
Jimi Hendrix
Jefferson Airplane
Judas Priest
Lacuna Coil
Led Zeppelin
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Machine Head
Mastodon
Megadeth
Metallica
Nirvana
Pantera
Pearl Jam
Pink Floyd
Queen
Rage Against The Machine
Rush
Silverchair
Soundgarden
Stone Temple Pilots
Tenacious D
Throwdown
Tool
Trivium
Van Halen
Veruca Salt
Weezer
The Who
Wings
311

Thank you iTunes for alphabetizing my list.

This list is likely not exhaustive as I am sure I have albums by great bands that I have yet to load on my PC. Anyway, if you like rock and you perhaps have not looked into some of these artists, definitely check them out.

Star Wars

If you have been reading my blog, you know that I am almost thirty years old. So, if you do the math, you can infer that I was born in 1978. Which means I grew-up with Star Wars. Which also means it is imprinted on my very being. Which, you might say, means I am a geek.

I clearly remember going to the theater in 1983 to see Return of the Jedi with my parents. At that age, I found George Lucas' galaxy to be absolutely fascinating. And, I believe it has only captivated me further as time marches on. Just ask The Wife!

Why am I telling you this? Not only do I wear my fandom proudly, but my excitement has spiked. Lucasfilm released an announcement today that Star Wars is returning to theaters with the new computer-animated Clone Wars. So, mark your calendars for Friday, August 15th. Furthermore, once we've seen the cinematic debut, we can enjoy it each week as a 30-minute program set to air on TNT.

But, the best part is, this time around, I get to share it with The Boy.

Career Opportunities

For quite some time now, The Boy has decided that when he grows up, his job will be a Major League Baseball player. This, of course, is every father's dream and I encourage him to do so. However, he has recently debated another profession ... "getting bad guys." He wonders aloud if he should have "two swords, like Leonardo or one sword, like Link." I smile from ear-to-ear knowing that he truly believes "superhero" is a legitimate line of work.

Surprise!

We are big on surprises at our house. It started out as a way to maintain our sanity. I believe The Boy was just two years old. A few months in advance, we purchased tickets to see The Wiggles live in concert. In our excitement, and ignorance, we told The Boy about what awaited him. He was ecstatic! He then proceeded to ask us each and every day, "Is today the day we go see The Wiggles?" At first it was very cute, his hopefulness renewed each morning. But, this went on for sixty days minimum!

After that event was over, we vowed to never share knowledge of such events until The Boy had a better concept of time. On one occasion, we were half way to Disneyland before he asked, "Where are we going?" It was great! No relentless questioning. He was wonderfully surprised and we were at the park having a great time merely hours later.

Back to present day, The Boy can tell and understand time now, but he enjoys surprises so much that we have continued the trend. However, it is getting more difficult as he becomes increasingly astute. Two days ago, we were fortunate enough to catch him completely off-guard.

If you have school-aged children, you may be familiar with Pokemon. The Boy is completely enthralled with it at the moment. So, when I found an adorable plush Pachirisu online, I immediately e-mailed the link to The Wife and she ordered it. When we picked up The Boy from Grandma's house, Pachirisu was sitting in his car seat. He was overjoyed! I don't think he has broken physical contact with it since.

Something The Boy occasionally does is assign a personality to a toy and then have a conversation with said toy. He speaks in his normal voice for himself and speaks in a higher-pitched voice for the toy. And the entire dialogue plays out as a singular, run-on sentence. This exercise in imagination has been especially employed with Pachirisu.

"You're coming home with me. Great! Can I play with your toys? Yes. I'm going to take you to school. Yay!"

I've discovered The Boy in various other role-play settings, such as Pachirisu sitting on the floor with The Boy standing over his toy and directing it to "use Discharge!" And, when I ask, "What are you doing, bud?" he replies as if it is completely obvious, "I'm making him stronger. He's brand new so he's only at level one."

Now, that I've thoroughly explained this would-be simple tale, the zenith of the story is ... what a spectacular feeling to give your child such a small gift and see it bring them such a large amount of happiness. This is easily the best ten dollars we have ever spent.

Exposition

Greetings!

You may be asking yourself why I am here.

My wife has a fantastic blog and, in reading it each day, I have decided to take up the hobby myself.

You may be asking yourself why I call myself "The Man."

I promise it is not conceit. That is how my wife refers to me in her blog. I find it rather flattering so I adopted it as my blogger alias. Just so you are in-the-know, she refers to our son as "The Boy," a grand tradition I will continue here, and I will hereby refer to her as "The Wife."

You may be asking yourself what is the meaning behind the phrase, "Almost 100."

The Boy is rather excited about my birthday, which is less than two months away, because I will be turning thirty. Much more excited than I am. He tells anyone who will listen, "My dad's gonna be thirty!" Anyway, one day while we were driving, the following conversation happened ...

"Dad, you're SO old."

"No, I'm not! I'm almost thirty!"

"I know. And thirty is almost one hundred!"

So, there you have it. He's pushing me into the grave already.

You may be asking yourself what kind of things I will be writing about.

I probably will not be as focused and disciplined as The Wife. Each post will simply be how I feel about my life at that particular moment. I am quite sure you will find reoccurring themes such as family, work and music. After all, that is mostly what each day consists of for me.

Enjoy!